4th March 2017 2017
Hi Ewan here.
I’m under a lot of pressure at this moment in time. But I am ultra strong. I can cope.
You see I have just turned two years old. I’ve looked in the intuitive handbook that came with me and see what is expected of me in my two’s. Apparently to get the most out of life, to have total fulfilment of life, to have no life regrets and to end up a well rounded person, you just have to be terrible in your two’s. The “Terrible Two’s”. Get it?
Note: Grandad’s a very well rounded person, but I think that’s more to do with all the pies he’s eaten rather than being terrible in his two’s. I don’t think Grandad was ever two, anyway, he’s always been old.
Now ‘terrible’ is a very subjective term. Who can I look to for lessons and inspiration on being terrible? Grandad of course or at least that’s what Mamma says. “There is no better person to teach you how to be terrible.” She quips.
So lots of pressure there, then, to be terrible and live up to the image expected of me.
But added to that there was Storm Ewan on Sunday, putting on more pressure for me to be terrible.
Also, during last week Storm Doris really created havoc. She was like Mamma on steroids when Grandad forgets to give her a cup of teat. The devastation she caused made the main headlines in all the media. The storm lined up to follow her was Storm Ewan.
Mum and Dad’s friends and the media, knowing I’m going through the distruptive “Terrible Two’s” expected Storm Ewan to be far more destructive than the meek old lady Storm Doris. A few quotes from the media:
“If you haven’t quite recovered from Storm Doris, look away now. Bad weather is set to continue with a new storm front, Storm Ewan, sweeping in. The Met Office has issued severe weather warnings for strong wind in the north-west of England, Wales and eastern Scotland. Ewan was named by the Irish Met Eireann, making it the fifth named storm this year – just two months into 2017. It will mainly affect Ireland, but the tail end will batter the UK with gusts of 50-60 mph expected in isolated locations and the potential for up to 70 mph in exposed areas by the sea. The wind is expected to last until 6am on Monday morning.” - Metro
“Forecasters warned of a "sting in the tail" from winter in the wake of Storm Ewan moving across the Irish sea towards Scotland. Ahead of the first day of spring on Wednesday, temperatures are expected to drop as low as half the average for this time of year.” - Telegraph
“Flash flooding and fallen trees resulted from strong winds and heavy rain as Storm Ewan swept across the country on Sunday. Met Eireann had issued an orange level wind warning for gusts of up to 120km/h forecast. The warning expired at 3pm on Sunday as conditions began to calm down. The second highest level of alert was for southern and south eastern coastal counties including Waterford, Cork, Kerry and Wexford. A lower yellow level wind warning was issued for much of Leinster.” – Irish Times.
But it ended up an embarrassing nothingness for us. Storm Ewan started out brilliantly disruptive in Ireland but had run out of interest and steam by the time it reached Nottinghamshire.
I have never been so humiliated and embarrassed. What a wimp of an image for the name of Ewan.
I had to do something quickly to repair the reputation to my Terrible Twos image this pussycat of a storm bearing my name had ruined.
By this time it was Tuesday afternoon, Shrove Tuesday. Yes, Pancake Day. Mardi gras. Call it what you like. Not that I knew what that was all about. I knew I needed to create a better impact than Storm Ewan, and proudly I did! If it had made the internet it would have gone viral.
Tuesday afternoon I slept in my pushchair. But then I woke up. That was the problem. Yes, I woke up. It is fine if you wake up after a good night’s sleep. But I hate to waste my life sleeping in the day.
Brother Rory was being goody, goody stirring Mamma’s pancakes. He so makes me sick, buttering up Mamma. They wanted me to stir the pancake mixture too – stir your own pancakes.
Then Mamma cooked them and expected me to eat them. I saw what went into them, flour, milk, eggs (yes can you believe that yukky eggs.
Mamma cooked them and to try and make me laugh, tossed them right up to the ceiling. I did start to laugh but then remembered the image I needed to project Storm Ewan and the Terrible Twos and immediately stopped.
Then, wait for this, they expected me to eat the messy pancakes. Yuk! Yes, flour, milk, eggs all moshed up. They even have the nerve to call it food. I went crazy. I just wanted Grandad to feed me Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.
Why Crunchy Nut Cornflakes? That is because I thrive on living dangerously. They add to my hard “terrible twos” image. Every Tuesday when Grandad comes he gives me breakfast. You will not believe this but he actually puts his bare hand into the Crunchy Nut Cornflake packet and takes a hand full and puts them into my dish, pours milk on them and gives them to me to eat. I keep encouraging him, shouting “More, more.” And he keeps bringing me handfuls. I eat loads, just for the fun of it and to live dangerously. I can’t stand them any other time. I think it is the sweat from Grandad’s hands and all the germs that give them that added palatable spicy taste.
But Crunchy Nut Cornflakes were banned. I was so hungry I had to try and eat a token piece of pancake to make it look as though I was making an effort to take part. But my dad had smothered it in orange and sweet tasting grit (probably sugar) giving a terrible acidic taste in my mouth that was obviously poisoning me. I used my very best drama queen scream, which unnerved everyone, so much that they were convinced I was seriously ill. This caused far more havoc in my family than Storm Doris could even dream of. I had fully reinstated the wrathful image Storm Ewan should have demonstrated.
Just to make sure every time Brother Rory picked anything up a toy, or food, I asked for it. I knew I was succeeding in being terrible when Brother Rory was told to give me whatever I wanted because I was poorly. Yes! Back of the net!
I then ate my favourite two foods: ice cream and grated cheddar (cathedral mild) cheese, together. But I ate them gingerly as they tasted terrible to begin with, with the gritty sugar soaked orange juice still lined my mouth and lips.
So that is me restoring the destructive image Storm Ewan ruined and keeping up the expectation my public have of me for the Year of the Terrible Twos. Only 11 months left of the Terrible Twos, so I need to get on and make the most of them.
The other thing is as I said I love living dangerously, like pushing mum and dad so much they put me on the naughty step. I am so good at it now. When I do something I know is so very, very naughty I do not wait until they say “Ewan Monks!!! Off to the naughty step.” (I know I’m really bad if they use my surname.) I just go and sit on it automatically without being told. That so winds them up because it takes away their pleasure of telling me to go and take time out on the step.
I love living the Terrible Twos
Bye, bye. Ewan
When I was a lad at school around 13 years old, our Maths teacher used to call me Wol. At the end of the year as we were moving up a class I plucked up courage to ask why he called me Wol. He told meit was thename of the deslexic owl in Winnie the Pooh. With my Harry Potter glasses he said I looked like the Wise Old Owl in the Winnie the Pooh stories.
Being the vain person I am I took it as a compliment
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