W/E 12th November 2016
UNDER PRESSURE & MAMMA IS QUEEN
Hi Ewan here. Sorry there was no blog last week. It was down to grandad, not me. I provided the material. What a waste of time that was. It is not easy coming up with and providing him with good original stuff. I work hard at it. And all a waste of time. I could have just slept, ate and pooed for the week and not bothered about exploring life.
Pressure has been mounting for me to achieve something major this week. But what can I do?
You see, my cousin, Freya has got her first swimming badge and certificate and she is only 3 years old. She swam four widths of the pool unaided. So that’s good is it? I have a bath, and yes, actually in water, every night. What’s more my bath water is soapy water. There’s no soap in swimming pool water, I know I’ve seen it, lots and lots of times, at least twice. And like I can crawl across our bath width and length, one million times. Well I could if I understood what numbers meant and knew how many a million is. Is it more than four? I think it is.
The other thing is my brother has been chosen to be Joseph in our nursery’s nativity. It seems to be some big deal, some golden accolade. I can’t understand the joy it has caused all the famil, mum, dad, granny, mamma, grandad Dad. And I think grandad.
He must be to starring as Joseph in “Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat” in the West End. No it is bigger than that with all the fuss mum and dad and the family are making. It must be on Broadway. Mum and dad treated it like the angel telling Mary she was going to have a baby. No it was bigger than that it was like when Daniel Craig got the part of James Bond.
Grandad is always going on to us grandchildren about how to live our lives. He goes on about working hard to achieve things and especially our dreams. He’s even, at this very moment writing a book for us grandchildren on how to get the best from life and achieve our dreams. I can’t wait.
So he is particularly pleased about these achievements and keeps saying “Your turn now, Ewan. What are you going to do?”
In the last six months, I have learnt how to stand on my own two feet, walk, not just walk but run, (I can do one million laps running around the kitchen table), climb upstairs unaided and without anybody noticing, get into mischief and shout “Mamma”. That last bit shout “Mamma” is by far the best achievement I have accomplished in life. You cannot believe what I have achieved by shouting “Mamma”.
Anyway grandad stands need to talk. He can’t swim and he is so old, he has had so many years to learn to swim and still can’t. What a loser. Freya did it in under four years of life. And although he always longed to play Joseph grandad was never, ever chosen. He has so many excuses why, but mainly blames the poor quality teachers he had. But I think it says a lot about what his teachers thought of him and his capabilities and the type of child he obviously was. So like who is under pressure then? I think it just might be grandad.
And grandad just cannot do what I can do. Ask Mamma if he is capable of standing on his own two feet. She’ll give you a great big resounding “No”. He can’t run, he can’t climb the stairs unaided and unnoticed. I suppose he does get into mischief, but shouting “Mamma” achieves nothing at all for him, except a dirty look from her.
Which neatly brings me on to Mamma. I’ve been studying her a lot over my first 21 months of life and quickly learnt she is my main ally. She is the Queen you know. Grandad says “queen Bee”.I know Mamma looks slightly younger than the Queen but they make her up to look older, for photos and her picture on stamps so that when she does the weekly shop at Tesco she’s not recognised. At Tesco if they thought she was Queen they’d charge her double for her shopping if they knew she was the Queen. (Grandad told me that.).
How do I know she’s Queen. Everybody is scared of her and does exactly what she says, even grandad and he takes no notice of anybody. And my mum and dad don’t argue with her. But she is brilliant because she protects me all the time. Dad says “He can’t have another choc-choc bear.” Mamma says “Of course he can. Here you are Ewan.”
When I go to bed I know it is no good crying to get up because mum and dad leave me to cry. But when mamma baby sits I only have to do a little wimper, not even a full cry and she gets me up.
But the most compelling evidence I have that she is Queen is this: You have never ever seen my Mamma side by side with the queen or in the same photograph. Because they are the same person. That’s convincing enough for me.
OK. I’m tired now. That is it. Look out for my next post.
When I was a lad at school around 13 years old, our Maths teacher used to call me Wol. At the end of the year as we were moving up a class I plucked up courage to ask why he called me Wol. He told meit was thename of the deslexic owl in Winnie the Pooh. With my Harry Potter glasses he said I looked like the Wise Old Owl in the Winnie the Pooh stories.
Being the vain person I am I took it as a compliment
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